I'd Give My Right Arm
by A Shade of Her
Summary: A familiar face is spotted on the New York City sidewalks. But what happens when that face doesn't know who they are?
1. Lost

L kept her head down as she moved down the crowded sidewalk. Someone's shoulder suddenly cut into her vision and she stopped short of running into them. The man stood there, staring at nothing.

She knew that look.

_Shellshock._

She gently patted his shoulder and moved around before slowing and stopping again, turning back to look at him. His hair was longer than she remembered it being described to her.

_Cryo does things to memory._

She stepped to the side to see his profile.

_But not that much._

He looked as if he felt out of place, uneasy in the sea of people.

"Hey," she called. He blinked but didn't move. She walked closer. "Are you okay?"

". . . What?" He finally turned to face her, his eyes unfocused. She scanned his retina and compared it to her data.

_Rote memorization in your schooling did you well, Steve._

"Are you . . . Bucky?"

"Do you know me? Or . . . or did I forget you, too?"

"No, you don't know me." He waited. "I know Steve."

"Don't tell him I'm here."

"I won't." She nodded to a café. "I think you should, though."

"Why?"

"He's looking for you."

"Now?"

"No, he's with his wife now."

"His _wife_?" He paused. "That redhead?"

"Natasha? No. Peggy."

"_Agent Peggy Carter_?"

"Look, if you don't want Steve to find you, maybe we should get off the street."

"I don't wanna go in there."

"Somewhere else, then?"

He looked around.

"No . . . it's all gone."

"My place, then?"

"What? How do I even know you know Steve? Who are you?"

L stood straighter.

"I know Steve Rogers was a small, frail man before a serum was tested on him. I know he was used for propaganda during the war. I know he stormed a Hydra facility to save his best friend." She regarded him gently. "And I know that he thinks he failed by coming too late, it would seem."

Bucky looked down, then back up at her, his eyes silently screaming vulnerability.

"Who are you?"

"Who I am isn't important," she said. "But I am someone who can help you."

"Wow, nice . . . place."

Bucky stared at Loki, who was sprawled over an armchair, snoring loudly, an open book of Greek mythology on the floor. L picked up the book and glanced at the open page.

"Eris. Figures." She turned to Bucky and gestured to the couch. "Would you like anything to drink?"

"A bottle of vodka."

"Vodka?" She frantically searched her data. "What's vodka?"

"A miracle, but that's fine." He looked at Loki. "Your husband?"

L laughed.

"My son." She shrugged. "Sort of."

"Oh. Got a husband?"

She sat across from him and rested her elbows on her thighs.

"No."

"Oh."

"Bucky . . . I understand why you want to hide. I'm not going to tell you that you owe Steve anything, because from what I understand, that's quite the opposite."

He grinned despite himself.

"Yeah. Probably true."

"What happened?" she asked softly.

"After Captain America or after I fell?"

"Wherever you want to begin."

"I don't understand; why are you doing this?"

L sat back and studied him for a moment.

"I wasn't going to tell you, but maybe I should." She crossed her legs and arms. "I've been where you are now. I have taken lives for what was a doubtful cause at best . . . and an evil one at worst," she said as he flinched slightly. "I recently lost all of my memories, though I was able to regain them." She rubbed the small burn scar on her temple. "You should know that Steve doesn't think any less of you." He stared out the window. "He came to me after you pulled him to safety from the wreckage." Bucky's head shot back around to hers. "He knows it was you. He knew you would save him if he needed you to. Said you'd done that before. A lot."

Bucky nodded.

"I don't remember much. . . I remember cold. Never thought I'd be warm again." He stopped. "I just started feeling last month when he caught me on the roof." He leaned back, unfolding his hands. "I remember feeling this for the first time." He took his left glove off and rolled his sleeve up. L leaned forwards, studying the prosthetic. "I don't mean to frighten you."

L smiled and rolled up her right sleeve, letting the flesh-toned hologram fade.

"No need to worry about that." He stared for a moment, then looked away. Her eyes became sad. "But your mind . . . they set out to destroy it, didn't they?"

He nodded slowly.

"They were trying to recreate the serum." He motioned to himself. "Didn't work. Then they started wiping my memory." He stopped and thought for a moment. "They may have had a head start."

"It's likely. The brain is incredibly complex. Even we couldn't wipe weak minds completely on the first round of treatment."

Bucky's stare sharpened.

"_What_." He narrowed his eyes. "Who is 'we'?"

"That's not important—"

"It is." He stood. "How do I know _you're _not Hydra? Mind games are everything to them."

"James Buchanan Barnes, I give you my word as a Lifeworker that I had never heard of Hydra until last month when Steve and Natasha told me of it."

He sat warily as she stood and walked to her bedroom. She returned with one hand in the air, the other holding the barrel of a pistol in the other.

"Take it," she said, sliding it across the coffee table as she sat back down. "If it makes you feel more secure." He checked the clip and nodded.

"You never answered my question."

L pursed her lips for a moment.

"Research. It was soon abandoned. We had bigger fish to fry." She bit her lip. _And I'll not be saying that__again. . ._ "You have a strong mind, and more importantly, a strong spirit. There is no amount of science that can take that from you."

Bucky nodded.

"After Steve found me on the rooftop, they tried to talk me back into what they made me. Steve called my name." He stared past her. "I hadn't heard it in a lifetime." L nodded.

"I understand."

"They had to wipe it again. I . . . I nearly killed him the next time we met. I don't know why I didn't. He wasn't fighting back." He stopped, his breathing becoming heavier. "Why didn't he fight back?" he asked hollowly. "I was going to kill him."

"No. You weren't." She came over and sat beside him. "You are a good man, Bucky. You always were. You always have been."

"But I killed so many. And for nothing." He looked up at her. "At least when I was fighting with Steve, with _Cap_, I knew where I stood. I knew what I stood against. But when I was lost . . . I don't know what I've done."

L nodded to Loki.

"He nearly destroyed New York City. And caused quite a fuss in Germany, I understand."

"And he's not in prison?"

"His mind was not his own." She looked back to Bucky. "He was under foreign control. His brother Thor pled his innocence to Director Fury."

"Thor? Like, 'Thursday' Thor?"

"I believe so."

Bucky's eyes widened.

"Holy-"

"None of that."

"But Fury. . . I think I killed him. . ."

"The Winter Soldier tried, yes. But he's alive. I yelled at him this morning."

His lips twitched into a lopsided grin.

"You _yelled_ at him?"

"Humans can be extremely lacking of all common sense and possess a disgusting overabundance of stupidity."

"Gee, tell me how you really feel."

L smiled mischievously.

"Perhaps someday. But that's beside the point." She slid a cell phone out of her back pocket and tapped the screen before handing it to him. "That's Steve's number. Maybe . . . you'd like to call an old friend?"

Bucky shook his head.

"I can't. I can't face him again. I . . . I can't look at him when I tell him what I've done."

"Do you remember?"

He hesitated.

"Some. The longer I'm awake, the more I remember."

L's brow furrowed.

"Awake as in . . . you haven't slept, or you've been put into cryo?"

"Cryo?"

"Frozen."

"That." He shook his head. "Probably spent the better part of seventy years in a tube. They only woke me when they needed me."

"And you remember more the longer you've been awake."

"I guess."

"Bucky, this is important. If you remember things the longer you've been awake, then you may be able to recover all of your memories on your own."

"As opposed to?"

"Via therapy."

"I don't want a shrink."

"I don't blame you. I studied psychology. A personal, raw cathartic experience is really all I can recommend to you."

"I don't want that."

L looked at him.

"I know it hurts, Bucky," she said gently. His eyes clouded with tears. "But the biggest 'eff you' you could give Hydra would be to take your mind back."

"Can that erase what I've done?"

"No. The Winter Soldier fights for Hydra. Bucky Barns fights alongside Cap."

Bucky's shoulders slumped as the sobs rose. L held him close and kissed his forehead.

"Tears are not a weakness, Bucky," she whispered. "They make you strong." He looked up.

"If I meet him, will you come with me?" He blinked, as if surprised by his own question. "I don't know why, but I . . . I want you there."

"I'll try."

"Try?"

"I'm not exactly . . . _real_."

"How's that?"

"I died about four months ago. This is a hard light hologram. I can project it myself." Bucky stared at her. "I know, it's a lot to take in." He pointed at her slowly.

"You . . . died. . ."

"Yes."

". . . How? Who killed you?" His eyes widened as they brimmed with tears again. "Did I-?"

"No, no. I shot myself in the head."

"Why?"

She hesitated.

"It was necessary."

He shifted and stared at the floor.

"What's it like? To die?"

L stared at Loki, still sleeping in the armchair.

"It's . . . quiet. Even in battle, it's quiet. I didn't expect that."

"Were you frightened?"

"At first, yes, I was very frightened. But Steve was there, and some others. They made it easier to let go."

Bucky nodded slowly.

"Thought about jumping in the Hudson. Didn't wanna live with half a murderer and half a ghost." He looked up at L. "Stared at it for a long time. But I don't think I'm ready to let go. Not yet. I want to repair some of the damage I've done." He glanced at L's phone. "But I need help."


	2. Found

"Why are they staring at me?"

"You're wearing a long sleeved shirt and gloves in the middle of April, dear."

"Oh."

"And you're hot."

Bucky grinned nervously and moved towards a booth in the back. They sat down and he slid a menu to L.

"Pick anything you want."

"Thank you, but I can't exactly eat." He nodded, sweat beading on his temples. L touched his right hand gently. "It's going to be okay, Bucky. He's your friend."

She suddenly looked up, confused.

"_What _are you _wearing_?"

Steve shifted his weight anxiously and held out a hand to Bucky.

"Long time no see," he said hoarsely, tears rolling down to his jaw. Bucky took it hesitantly, but Steve pulled him into a fierce hug, clapping his back. Bucky finally pulled back and gestured shyly to Steve's glasses.

"Did I do that?"

"No, I, uh . . . I'm under the radar." He smiled. "I'm just happy you're back."

"I wanna fix what the Winter Soldier did. I wanna fight with Cap again." He put his left hand on Steve's shoulder. "With you."

"I would love that."

"I'm sorry." His expression grew panicked. "I don't know. . . _I don't know who I am._"

"Buck-"

"No, I – I killed people. Good people." He sat heavily and put his head in his hands. Steve sat beside him and put his hand on his back.

"We've all done things we're not proud of."

"It's different. You're not a murderer."

"_You're not a murderer._" Bucky looked up and Steve didn't bother to wipe away his own tears. "Remember in Saxony-Anhalt, there was that kid? He'd been caught in the crossfire and Hydra was using him as a shield. You were shot in the leg rushing him . . . _because you wouldn't shoot._ You were a sniper, Bucky. If anyone could have made the shot, it was you, but you didn't. You saved that kid. He hugged you, remember? He hugged you and wouldn't let go, even when you tried to take him back to his parents. He loved you. You saved his life."

Bucky straightened a little.

"Did I . . . ?"

"You did. If you only remember one thing about yourself, I hope you remember that. Because that's who you were." He turned, looking Bucky in the eye. "That's who you _are._"

"What about you?" Bucky asked slowly, sounding distant. "How are you still . . . around?"

"After you fell, we . . . I followed Schultz. He had the Tesseract. He was going to destroy millions of lives."

"You stopped him."

Steve thought for a moment.

"Yes."

Bucky's brow furrowed.

"Wait . . . the Tesseract—what happened to it? Did you take it from him?"

"The Tesseract?" L asked, recognition sparking in her eyes.

"It's safe now. It's back in Asgard."

"Good," Bucky nodded.

"_Back _in Asgard?" L repeated.

"Yes?"

"We're talking about the glowing blue cube thing, right?" Bucky asked.

"Yes," L said. "What was it doing _here_?"

"Wow. You two always were a team, weren't you?" Steve and Bucky looked at each other and grinned, nodding.

"Our roles have shifted a bit now that I'm taller," Steve said. L smiled and stood.

"You're welcome to stay with me if you'd like, Bucky."

"There's no need. Peggy and I have an extra room. And Netfilms."

"What's that?"

"Magic."

"Well, have a good night, gentlemen."

_I need to have __**words **__with Odin._


	3. Epilogue

"_What __**possessed **__you to 'give the Tesseract away'?_" L's voice thundered through Odin's court.

"I thought it would secure the Midga-"

"You did no thinking," she snapped, stepping closer. "Do you have any idea the warfare and strife produced on Midgard because of your 'gift'?"

Odin stood, grasping his staff.

"How dare you question m-"

"_Sit. Down._" He obeyed promptly. "Where is the Tesseract now?"

"Secured."

"_Where_?"

"The Vault."

L opened her palm as the cube began to materialize in it.

"What are you doing?"

"Do you know the purpose of the 'Tesseract', Odin?"

". . . No."

"This is a Citadellion," she said, examining it. "The Forerunners gave you Asgard as a Shieldworld." Her eyes softened. "But it is more than that. All seven Shieldworlds are sustained by a Citadellion containing the whole of the Forerunner's records, our civilization. Our fall," she added pointedly.

The glow faded from the cube and whisped up her arm and neck into her eyes. The cube went dark before pulsing back to life.

"I suppose you can now see why it should be guarded closely." Odin nodded solemnly. "Too late."

The cube vanished.

"For 72 years, the Citadellion made Midgard vulnerable. For 72 years, Asgard will share the same fate."

She turned and began to walk away.

"You have no right!" Odin shouted, quaking. L stopped but did not turn back.

"I have every right."


End file.
